This blog today is really on behalf of all the Pastor’s and Pastor’s wives….
I grew up in an era where there really were no Women Pastors only Pastor’s wives. It was a time when it was clear that the calling was for the Pastor and not his wife. Her role in the church was to take all the heat from all the ladies for the way she dressed, for the way she did not participate much, for the way she raised her family, for the way she neglected the Pastor. If by some reason the Pastor did something wrong or was caught doing something sinful it was most surely because of the wife he had….(I was around a lot of Pastors growing up).
My mom was a Pastor’s wife….although a very shy person by nature she kept her distance from leading anything in my Dad’s church because she was faced with many of the issues of criticism in her time. Her role was strictly a Pastor’s wife taking care of her husband and family. I am however convinced she chose the right path in her lifetime and avoided all the stress of the way things were done in the church then. She had ten children and therefore her ministry was clearly her children.
In time, it became clear that some wives were called to Pastor alongside their husbands and they were good at it… but it was a slow rising up for these women. They were allowed to Pastor only the women in the church, so not much changed for them except maybe they now received a stipend for their work and the brave ones were allowed to preach every now and then on a Wednesday night. It was a slow road for these women and many paid a high price for their calling.
Times have changed….we now have Women Ministers of all kinds and I am grateful for that. We still however deal with the same type of criticisms but now there is a different kind of what I call “Unrealistic Expectations”.
Women Pastors who pastor alongside with their husbands are required to:
Look good
Look healthy
Know every person’s name
Dress smartly but not too expensive
Drive a nice car but not too expensive
Preach
Travel
Keep a clean house
Be a Good Wife
Be a Good Mother
Be a Good Grandmother
And
Contact every woman in their church weekly…..
These are just some of the expectations. The one that gets me the most is the last one.
There are women that specifically leave a church because they can’t get close enough to the Pastor. They want to be her best friend….they want to talk to her daily or weekly. They want to go out to lunch or dinner with her. They want her to be their counselor and guru……Forget that they “want” they really “expect” these things.
If they don’t get the attention, these women get hurt, they get mad, they leave. Wow! Really? What happened to coming to church because the Lord is there and he is your best friend, counselor, and savior?
I’m convinced that women who do this have a terrible void in their life! Plus they are also very spiritually immature no doubt!
This is what I want to say:
If for example….there is a church with 300 women and each woman in that congregation needs their pastor to spend time with them, coffee, lunch, dinner, phone calls etc. that would mean that the Pastor would be busy with a women each day of the year almost. So when does she do the things she likes to do? When does she spend time with HER family, Her Husband...Her Grandkids. What about her Lifetime friends? Where do they fall in this scenario for her?
It’s just not fair to demand this of Her! It’s so unrealistic and selfish. She was not called to be an intimate friend to the masses. Ladies let’s not put this on each other….Lets be supportive not demanding.
You probably think I’m speaking of my church….well I am...but I’ve seen this in every church I’ve been to in the last 25 years, but I bet you this is happening all over the world in churches. You think that it’s not happening in your church? It is…you are just not aware of it. If you belong to a small church at some point it will happen…..I promise you!
It’s interesting that this expectation is so much higher on the female Pastor than on the Male Pastor. Why? Because women are so much more needy….
I am the Women’s Ministry Director in my Church; I don’t text my Pastor every day or once a week. I don’t call her every day or once a week. I don’t email her every day or once a week. If she needs me she will call me and I handle what I can when that happens. At church if I run in to her I give her a hug and ask her if she needs anything. I tell her I love her and move on.
If she needs something and is busy she texts me and I reply. I give her the space and place no demands on her…that’s why it works for us and I know she feels no pressure from me. When I see and hear of these demands on her it really makes me upset because again it’s so unfair and she will never win in the minds of those ladies. “Its Damned if she does and Damned if she doesn’t!”
Ladies I encourage you to make strong relationships with Women in your circle of life and be a friend not expecting anything in return. Just love each other, comfort each other but don’t look to someone to heal you, to bear all your troubles it’s a heavy load to give to a friend. Only the Lord can bear your load.
It’s time to grow up! How long have you been a Christian? Have you grown in the Lord? If you have then these things should not be an issue. Wherever you attend church…..please don’t do this to your Pastor! Give them a break!
Ruth
